Last week i met my counselor for an hour long meeting, it was for us to just have a chat and to see if he could help me overcome my anxieties.
I will call him D.H, after 45 mins he explained the hows and whys my anxiety works and told me he felt that a two year cognitive therapy programme would most certainly help me, and that my surgery were prepared to offer me this, which i accepted. First session is on january 6, he advised me to buy the above book, one that our N.H.S uses and recognises as a benefit in this type of therapy.
I bought it second hand from amazon last week, the book arrived today. I have sat infront of the fire all afternoon reading it, there are no long words and no ifs and buts, just a simplified description on how we get to such an acute anxiety state. Now D.H told me to read it,tick what i feel is relevant to me, then ask someone whom i trust and knows me well to read it and tick what they think is about me.
D.H tells me this type of therapy is slow to get going, which he assures me is normal and then the changes start to appear.
2011 has been a life changing year for me, for many reasons. I have had a health scare which thankfully can be treated, i have pushed members of my family away as my anxiety has held me prisoner to my true emotions.
I welcome 2012 with an open heart and will always be grateful for 2011 as this was the year that broke me, i could not mask my suffering any longer. I asked for help and i have to say i have recieved help in abundance.
I am a very private person and my blog was good for me for this reason.
I am grateful for the love and support my family give me, i am truly loved, as i truly love and adore them x
I am about to watch my Amish programme, which i look forward to all week, these gentle peoples mindset calm my anxieties, even if its only for alittle while. My mum lived in america for a while, i went to visit her and she took me to a town called "Shipshewana" Indiana, where a large Amish communitiy live, for me it was like going home and where my admiration for these gentle people started. So i shall watch my programme and then to my bed, but i want to thank you tarytere for your positive comments you give me, they make me smile x
Today is the second day, louie, has spent finding all bank statements, work receipts, tallying up all our yearly expenses, ready for his accountant, so we know how much tax to pay. He knows how much i have spent in the butchers shop, hairdressers,clothes and hold your breath, the garden centre! We are both sensible with money but there is always room for improvement. This morning i came in the kitchen to see two cups of tea on the table and louie waiting for me with a certain look in his eye, one which i know!! Ok it was the yearly chat where no one points the finger, but accounts have to be looked at and we have to discuss how we can make our money go alittle further.
Milly working on her college course work,
This child of mine is a dream of a girl!!
The kitchen has been messy all day, but there are jacket potatoes in the oven, baby tomatoes in olive oil, a bowl of grated cheese,fish fingers waiting to go under the grill and hot baked bread rolls for tea x
This morning i felt like i had alittle bit of cabin fever, so it was time to get out for awhile. I decided to see if my local garden centre was open, its only in the next village, so off i went. Four minutes later i pull in the car park and not another car insight!
I had it all to myself!
I chose a rambling rose to cover the fence in the gravel garden, Alberic Barbier rose.
I knew today i was on a tight budget, with christmas just gone and louie has to pay the tax bill in january, i settled for a rambling rose, a rosemary shrub, a plum tree and i always like to buy something from the bargain corner, i found an apple tree for a 1/3 of its original price, an Egremont Russet apple, i use these particular apples to cook with pheasant. I also bought bird seed for our feathered friends.
This is the coffee shop, i have not tried it, always to eager to get home and start planting.
I have decided i am going to grow more plants in pots for the gravel garden, my treat will be, a fig tree in a pot, the fruit of the gods, so it has been written.
Off home now, to stare out of the kitchen window and decide where to plant my treasure, this will be on saturday.
I once picked our Milly up from junior school with a palm tree sticking out of the sun roof of the car, the child was horrified, i always think of that when i am loading trees in my car Ha! Well i have made my start x
Last week we had our carpenter make this gate on the side of the back of our house. This is to keep our dog off our soon to be gravel garden, the gravel is down, the design is slowly coming together in my mind.
I took this photo late afternoon today, but you can start to get the idea of what i am doing. Louie and i have decided to add a wildlife pond somewhere in our garden (i have a place in mind), in our last garden, we made a wildlife pond in the shape of a stream, it was beautifull. Below is a picture of our wildlife pond in our previous garden;
Now is the time for me to look through garden magazines for ideas, i will design three gardens that flow into one another, but as you walk into each one i want to create alittle WOW factor that is not obvious before you approach it. I love white picket fences, wisteria,albertine roses,hollyhocks and blue/grey grasses. Then my magic is going to be at the bottom of the garden where i will plant my mini orchard. Much to think about x
Louie spent the day building a new kennel for our dog Wizard, this afternoon Zoe came over with Eva and Lou Lou, they are staying the night. Lou Lou bought his new helicopter with him, look at the concentration on big Louies face! I finally have the camera up and running, on the camera was a picture our milly took of Eva in her christmas school play, she was one of the angels.
There she is second from the left,proud as punch, she loves school life and does every task to the best of her ability.What a Girl!!! x
Last night my son and partner had their second child a little girl called Olivia May. Today i baked more mince pies, a nice homemade gravy and chocolate truffles, the whole time wondering what olivia looks like and remembering when my own babies were born. I hope to see her in the next week or two. Today i put the radio on low with christmas songs faintly in the back ground, thinking about all my babies as they have grown through different stages, remembering how busy the home was at christmas time when they were little. After washing dishes for what seemed like the fourth time round, i got to thinking about Amish ladies who have a serious amount of washing dishes each day, they say its a small price to pay for the meal they enjoy with their large families daily. I wish all my family and friends a lovely christmas day, and until i meet her i will wait with excitement to meet my grandaughter Olivia May. x
Today i paid a visit to my favourite butchers, in this area there is the most beautiful chemist, its decorated very old fashioned and heavily stocked with all sorts of the most lovliest lotions and potions! The queue was backing out of the butchers shop when i arrived (which i expected), so i thought i would have a peak in the chemist as its always a treat. I came across this Roger & Gallet Huile Sublime dry oil, you can use it on your face and body, the smell is beautiful,orange and almond. I sprayed the oil on my arm, rubbed it in and magically it is a dry oil, no stickiness it left like a slight sheen on the skin and the smell is gentle and lingering! Have i sold this to you? If you do happen to come across this lovely product, try it, its beautiful. I bought myself a 30 ml bottle but i looked online and its probley cheaper to buy in the 100 ml bottle online. Today i finished wrapping all presents, while louie finished the homemade mince pies that i hoped would last at least until christmas day, but no, so tomorrow more mince pies to make, jamie olivers stuffing, and i will make the homemade gravy for christmas day. x
Here in my little village, i woke up to see the sun coming up through the trees, you could tell it was going to be a mild day. This morning went so fast with one thing and another, this afternoon i made my pastry for mince pies, put that to rest in the fridge and decided to take our dog for a walk down the lane and across the field. This is something i have not been able to do for awhile, Wizard almost sensed my apprehension and walked gently by my side. I walked to the crocodile seat on the field and watched the sun slowly start to set at the back of the field. Then home to make the mince pies and bake them, tomorrow i would like to make homemade bread by hand. I would take pictures but adorable teenage daughter has returned the camera but we cannot find the white wire thing that connects camera to computer!! Its under her bed i guess!! x
These are scary words to a sensitive person,someone suffering anxiety,someone trying to put a mask on emotions. I recieved a christmas card today, whom its from is not important as they are not the problem,remember the problem belongs to the person who is suffering, but inside it read in a hand written message that i know came with sincere affection," keep calm and thank the lord for everyday". Its the word "calm " that told me my sender does not suffer with anxiety, a sensitive person would give anything to calm her negative thinking pattern when its at its most sensitised state, maybe the only time she/he feels alittle calm is when the body and mind is exhausted of the sufferers thoughts. People mean no harm, they cant tell how we are thinking and feeling, at times we try so hard to hide these feelings, for fear of people not understanding us. Sufferers log dates,times,places,smells,a certain piece of music (as we all do) but a sufferer will dread and try to avoid these things if an emotion is attached to it. A non sufferer will allow themselves to feel that emotion, they may not like it, if, it reminds them of a difficult time but they will allow themselves a reaction,have a cry,say this makes me feel.... The sensitive person, Oh No! they will recoil and allow the waves of negativity to wash through them, like wave after wave of fear. How does this suffering start? I do not know, was it when my lovely nan passed away? was it because my stepmothers heart was ice cold to me? Was it when one of my children fell off their bikes and grazed their knee? or was it that i was sensitive in my mamas womb? Maybe it was all these things and more that makes the bigger picture. This kind of leaves you dwelling on the past, which inturn keeps you in fear of the future and then you miss the "Here and now" bit, which of course is today. I enjoy all blogs i read but the one that captures a moment of comfort for me is " Morning Ramble", patty i feel works hard at keeping her life at such a simple pace, yes her life gets tested, but what i have noticed is that most of her photos are taken outside in all elements of weather, its that mother nature doing her magic. So what do we say instead of keep calm? Simply " i hear you", you dont have to understand someones suffering to hear them. For the first time due to a scary moment recently i am daring to question my anxious thinking, do i want to keep you? Does it have to be this way? Do i want to walk carrying dread and fear?The answer is simply NO! I am going at a snails pace that i can cope with for now, gently,gently as i go. x
My sister gave me this book (it was her own book) on friday, she told me she wanted me to have it, and my very self being alittle sensitive at the moment she assured me there was nothing in the book that would unnerve me. Its about positive thinking, its a beautifull little book that is full of fact, no fiction, so my anxiety thinking pattern has not got a look in! There are plenty of big names in this book that have changed the world we live in for the better. If anybody is suffering, on any level this book is a must have! Today is a good day, i have cooked Jamie Olivers jerk ham and i can say it tastes delicious.
No this is not my ham, its jamies, our Milly has taken the camera out with her today so i cannot take a photo, but my ham looks identical! She says smiling! x
I picked up my computer today as its been in for a service. Thank you to Amanda (Amanda Makes)and Taryterre who left such supportive comments, they mean so much to me. I have nearly finished my christmas shopping, i am pleased with what i have bought my family, this year i shopped online, i found i was able to research things, read peoples reviews on certain items and keep to a sensible budget. I told family it was a one present rule this year as most of us worry about overspending, well no surprise here, that i have broke the rule BUT i did keep to a budget. Our christmas tree goes up tomorrow, i decided on a white artificial tree this year, i am ready for the change. Talking of changes, i learnt alittle lesson with a smile on my face the other day, i had my food shop delivered as i shopped online, the supermarket sent me the wrong washing up liquid, ok this is no big deal, so, after tea i set to wash the dishes, started running my water, gave it a good squirt of liquid (my mind thinking about everything but washing dishes) when i smelt this lovely smell, this lovely smell reminded me of nice things and i actually did not want the washing up to end so soon! Ha! Yes i thought its nice to make changes, scary at times depending on how big the changes, but that little change left me enjoying that chore, i am learning! x
Last night, i sat infront of the fire starting to feel alittle dreamy, thinking " am i tired enough to go to my bed with a book?" I look at louie who is dozing on the sofa, thinking, he certainly is. Of late i have not watched a great deal of television, anxiety sufferers can see and hear alot of negativity in the television and concentration can be very limited from day to day, so for me, i am careful. Now this is the odd bit, i cautiously dared myself to flick through a couple of tame channels, when, i saw an Audience with Pete Andre, hosted by Piers Morgan, i like Piers Morgan, i find him interesting, funny,very real and above all he does not bully his guests but walks up to the line with compassion. Pete Andre, nice person, could bore me after the first 10 minutes. So for the first 20 minutes of the programme, he was asked the same questions about his marrige break up, these questions did not interest me in the slightest but what did hold my concentration is HOW he answered these questions and keeping his private life details,private. In this, Peter Andre does not get upset or emotional but remains, calm and very in control of his emotions. In the last 20 mins Peter Andre talks about himself, his time in two psychiatric hospitals, a violent incident that happened to him when he was 17 yrs old, how this has left him suffering with anxiety! WOW! Piers askes him "what does a panic attack feel like? Peter Andre takes a minute to think about this,then the tears,emotion,fear and more tears came to the surface but no voice. Piers gives him time to recover, Peter Andre says "i thought i was going to die", he tells how his last two panic attacks have been 15 yrs apart! He then says, how talking about the only woman he has ever loved, did not do this to him, but remembering that feeling of the panic attack can still reduce him to such fearful emotion, he then smiles and says " Dont get cocky with the Panic Attacks! I understood this, infact i am now at a point where its only,peter,piers and i talking and listening, i have forgotten about louie on the sofa and the cat wanting to be let out! Finally he tells, that he has learnt that panic,anxiety is based on fear (this incident when he was 17 yrs old) triggered that fear, how he finds dating and intimate relationships scarey as he fears being hurt. I then realised and i guess that is what he was saying, it does not matter about wealth, he has to keep himself safe and go at a steady pace and work hard at doing so to cope with his anxieties just like the next sufferer who has finally come to accept and lift the lid of there insecurities. What a brave man to do this on national t.v (i struggled to tell my husband) and what a kind man piers morgan is as for a short moment there he had Peter Andre in the palm of his hand through vunrability and could of wiped the floor with him, but no he felt his guests pain.x
I decided to take some time out from blogging world, after alittle pressure from my lovely Milly (16 yr old daughter) i am gently wanting to come back. I love looking daily at "morning Ramble" blog as patty comforts my day, my blogger friend Betty who sounds a lovely lady. I do not wish to share my families testing time of late, but to say, Thank you to my husband louie who has been my rock and the great strength my lovely lovely daughters have given me, in just loving me. My best friend Denise who is like a second skin and knows me better than i know myself at times...scary! To my mum and my sister who i have missed with all my heart. I will write again and intime pick up my camera and go at a nice and easy pace x