Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Yvonne, the trolley lady...

This last week has been very difficult for me, i have been going to the hospital everyday for radiotherapy, this has tired me physically but mentally made me very vunerable to the anxiety i suffer. I had not slept a whole night for four nights, waking at 1.30 am and sitting awake waiting for daybreak to come. The radiotherapy became harder to do each day,i then missed an appointment out of complete fatigue, my doctor at the hospital offered me a gentle sedation prior to the therapy and something to help me sleep at night. Yesterday i sat in the day clinic waiting for my sedation to take effect, it all takes about an hour, i sat watching the trolley lady go to each patient offering them sandwhiches,fruit,yougurt and biscuits all for free. I listened to her have a kind word to everyone, i could not put an age on her, maybe late 70's, very well spoken grammer, alittle rouge on her face, diamond earings in her ears, her hands were kind and her nails painted a gentle pink. She wore a wedding ring and a very large diamond and sapphire engagement ring, two large gold bracelets but all looked so elegant on this lady.
Her shoes were flat black patent shoes with a gold buckle on them and sheer black tights, she was so well groomed.
I sat in clinic today awaiting my sedation to work, hoping to see this lovely lady again, yes soon enough she appeared and came over to me with her laden trolley of goodies, i just had to speak with her!! Her name is YVONNE, she has been working voluntary at the clinic for 34 years! She said, she use to serve hot drinks from her trolley but her hands shake alittle now and she does not want to spill hot drinks. I ask her if she has children, yes she says, yvonne told me she has three grown up children, two which she adopted as babies and one homemade one!!! HA!
I could feel myself loving her by the second, i told her it was a pleasure to speak with her, she told me she would keep my recovery in her thoughts and i was to aim high. I wanted to ask her age but she must of read my mind as she then told me she is 94 years old!!! I was speechless. I told her my last treatment is tomorrow, she told me she will not see me tomorrow as she is going to an opera concert in london!!
I truly believe i met an angel today, i will never forget this lovely amazing lady.The staff nurse told me, it does not matter what the weather, yvonne always comes in and gives her two hours daily voluntary work.
Yvonne's beauty is her kindness. God Bless her x 

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Our Zoe making changes...

Zoe and grandchildren came over yesterday afternoon, zoe wanted to show us her new hairstyle;
She looks beautiful, her hair has always been very long and now its jaw length, zoe also wanted to show us her tattoo!!!
This is something Zoe has wanted to do for a long time.
If ever there was a mamas boy, this is him, our Lou Lou Man.

These animals and blocks that Louie and Eva play with, were Milly's when she was a child x

Thursday, 19 January 2012

An afternoon with my sister...

My sister came over this afternoon, we spent a couple of hours talking, well my sister was talking and i was crying alot of the time.You see we were seperated at a young age, i was just under two and my sister was under five. We met once in our childhood for a brief moment and then the next time was when i was 14 years old. Though we were seperated at a young age, our bond with one another was already sealed.
Today was very emotional for me as i am working at accepting my emotions and learning to understand why life sometimes takes a twist and a turn, why people behave in some ways. My sister let me have my cry, she understood me, gave me honesty in such a kind way that i could understand, filled in missing gaps and shared her thoughts with me. I am tired now but have learnt alittle about myself and why i sometimes feel fretful, she explained what "seperation disorder" means and i felt all of that!
I sat looking at her while she was talking, thinking, how pretty she is, her style of clothes that suit her,her hair and how she uses her hands when talking.
Now please dont think this is the ugly sister syndrome talking here, what i am saying is that i realise how much i have lost myself in anxiety over the last couple of years. I have made trying to avoid negative thinking my main concern for such a time that i have lost all confidence in myself.
I have been blind to my own needs.
This must change, i want this to change. I am learning x

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

A walk in the village...

No frost this morning, just wet where it had rained in the night. Zoe came over today and we decided to go for a walk to our one and only little shop in the village.
On route there are three of the smallest cottages attached to one another, they are one bedroom cottages and very low ceilings, i think when they were built they were probably for farm labourers and family. Two of these cottages have been up for sale in the time i have lived in our village, they sell for a small fortune, bare in mind there is no land belonging to them at the rear of the cottages!
Zoe carried my bag of shopping home for me,well we argued about it half the way home ha! I will be carrying the shopping home next time.

There she goes marching ahead!

What a lovely gal! x

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Feeling alittle emotional...

The last couple of days have been alittle bit emotional for me, i have felt tearful, fretful, at times cannot seem to seperate fact from fiction.
I know this is the anxiety playing its ugly tricks on me, i have felt them all before but there force never ceases to amaze me in how it can keep you terrified in the moment.
I did not sleep well last night, i was sitting infront of the woodburner at 3 am anxious, i called my dear sister who thankfully answered her phone and helped me through that time.
Confronting your fears feels so difficult at the moment and so exhausting!!!
I guess its good to cry, as its natures release valve. x

Saturday, 14 January 2012


The view from my kitchen door this morning,
it felt bright and frosty, i had to grab the camera,
I love this picture of my picket fence, come spring this will be painted white and a rose bush planted against it!
I bought these pair of russion dolls this week, each one of them has 5 pieces. I am going to give one each to courtney and eva, but before i do this, i thought i might make each doll a handmade draw string bag, so, hopfully this will help the girls not lose the pieces. I have a larger set and when eva sleeps over she plays with them in bed in the morning.
I am also hoping this will inspire me to start sewing again!!
Last night Terri text me asking for instructions of homemade washing powder...its the best!
Following Tammys instructions, i made this up in a plastic container and then put the lid on and gave it a good shake, best way i think as the soda crystals are so fine in the air.
1 cup of Bortex subsitute (as we are not allowed to sell bortex in this country, anymore).
1 cup of soda crystals
1 bar of household soap(grated)
10-15 drops of your favourite essential oil ( i used a lemon /ginger mix)
When i wash white or heavy stained load, i also add i dose of vanish oxi wash to the wash.
Thats it, i think its brillant!
Changing the subject now, i do not know whats wrong but i cannot seem to leave a comment on a couple of my blogger friends, one being TARYTERRE who i know is poorly with the flu, so i do hope she is getting better and i have missed her, she sounds a lovely kind lady. x

Friday, 13 January 2012

The face behind the blog...

Going to put more pictures on, its nice to see the face behind the blog.

This was taken on the west coast of Scotland.
This is us again in Scotland x

Not being in Control...

I realise i am only writing half of my story on my blog, which i guess can become confusing for those who are kind enough to pass by and read mine.
Last october i had my first routine mammogram, i was recalled for a more detailed scan (which is not unusual), a tiny little lump on the edge of my breast was found and a biobsy taken. This proved to be a small cancer, as this was found in such an early stage, i was able to have this removed in day surgery, in november.
Already suffering with acute anxiety this was a double blow. After surgery, my oncologist suggested i have radiotherapy to sterilise the breast, which i am grateful for. My oncologist also has another field, he is studying anxiety in children! Can you believe that! Which is when my anxiety started, we talk as much about how the anxiety pattern forms as we do about my radiotherapy for my breast!!
I started radiotherapy on tuesday, and will go everyday for 15 days, this does not include weekends, i cant tell you how difficult i have found this, why?
Radiotherapy is not painful,nothing touches you,the room is light and comfortable and nurses are brillant, so why do i feel so terrified?
I realised yesterday, its because i am no way in control, my preperation and treatment is no longer than 10 minutes altogether, but it feels like a white knuckle ride to me, UNTIL TODAY, today when i started to get anxious and dry mouthed, i very gently challanged the thoughts, told myself i was safe, because i am.
Ok i am never going to enjoy this treatment, but i am grateful to be there, so todays treatment was much more tolerable and the minutes did not seem to drag.
Learning to trust others and yourself can be quite a toughie, especially if you have been hurt as a child and issues never get resolved at the time, children stuff emotions and can carry this all their lives, which hinder them on an emotional level, this can happen to the brightest of children.
This treatment is giving me no choice that for 15 days i have to stop and listen to my fears, as i have nowhere to run and learn to trust myself and believe i am safe, to believe through the eyes of an adult woman and not the cries of her inner child.
This blog sounds very deep, but on a lighter note i do not want this time in my life be for nothing, i want to take strength from it and enjoy life like most people, and i will, i am truly grateful for this time. x

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Life is a mixed bag of Emotions at the Moment...

I have not written about my cognitive counselling, which i started recently. I have noticed on the times i have written about this,was, when my page views were mostly viewed.
Ok this could have been a coincidence,but this is my update.
The actual session is for 60 minutes, through this time i feel calm and i interact well with D.H, he also gives me a good steady input and explains how and why things keep me frozen in anxiety.
I leave thanking him and we make our next appointment, i arrive home feeling a load lifted off my mind and it all seems quite cut and dried. This then gives me the next couple of days restbite, then i start to go over our discussion and this will awaken a memory or incident that has given me great anxiety, but this time i can see it crystal clear and ofcourse i am now seeing this through the eyes of an adult woman! This can make me feel sad,upset or the fact that i am remembering something i struggle to recall relieves me from doubting myself.
Its a slow process and i can see how its not for everyone as it takes a while to move forward, while i am having counselling, i have also started radiotherapy treatment for 15 daily week days. This all sounds very dramatic and i wont deny the last couple of months have been testing, but sometimes it takes something that floors you to break the mould.Now as i get back up off the floor slowly, and i am ,with the love and support of my family, doctors and counselor, it is only now i am able to mend as i wish to grow, not how others percieve me and need me as their emotional sponge. This is not love, its selfishness at the highest level.
I am truly learning, i am still going at that nice steady pace that only i can cope with,it does not matter how small my footsteps are, as long as i walk forward.
In all this, i am told after radiotherapy i will make a complete recovery, but things will take time, i feel so lucky. I am truly thankfull. x
This is "Cromey" our Eva's cuddly toy, she has had him a couple of years now, we bought him from a charitiy shop.
Eva found a hole in his seam and told her her mama "he will have to go to nanies, she will mend him", i was given strict instructions not to wash him, as she likes his smell! Now i know smell is one of a childs strongest senses, but he did pong, but i resisted the urge to wash him in my newly homemade laundry powder, even though there was some kinda dried gunge on one of his legs.
Talking laundry powder, i have made my homemade powder and used it today for the first time, i chose a white clothes wash, looking for the dirtiest clothes i could find. I put 3 tablespoons of powder in the machine and added 1 tablespoon of vanish whitener. At one point i got on all fours and was watching the washing in the machine go round! An hour later cycle finished, time to see how good it was... Brillant!!!
This is it! 3 Tablespoons to a dirty load with a tablespoon of vanish oxi action. x

Monday, 9 January 2012

Dirty Talk...

This weekend i have found some lovely blogs, one lady "Tammy" her blog "flat creek farm", tells how she makes her own laundry powder. I made some a couple of years back, our clothes were so soft and i was not using a softener. I have decided to make some more following Tammys guide this time, i also have some other hold your breath news, but wait picture coming up;
Now today i bought a new mop for the tiled kitchen floor,i had seen this before but its alittle expensive for a mop £18, and louie has put us on a budget until the end of the month, so i write in the safe knowledge that louie cannot turn a computer on and is not known to read the blog.
So i gave in today and bought this well researched mop, wow it was effortless and i could now go into a whole spill about how it reaches corners,it glides, telescopic handle! But no i will stop now,before i go into a big ole waffle. Buy one, you will love it!

I also have paint charts out so there is decorating in mind.
I am not a cleaning freak, i just love to clean, windows,ovens but most of all my laundry.x

Sunday, 8 January 2012

My Door...

This is my door i would like to unlock for 2012, on entering i ask for,
I wish to believe in myself
I want to be funny
I do not want to judge others
I want to understand loved ones are different to me
I do not want to be frightened
I want to be brave
I want to be safe
I want to make a difference
I want to live at a simple pace
I want to think freely
I want to pray more
I want to make myself smile everyday
I want to plant trees
I want an open heart x

Sunday Morning...

This morning i thought i would live on the wild side and leave the breakfast dishes and go for a walk first!
Big thing, YES, for someone who is alittle o.c.d.ish.
                                                                                                Our view across the fields this morning,
Louie showing me the shortcut home.
Past the stables down the lane, home to do the dishes!! x


Saturday, 7 January 2012

"Happy" x

Beautiful people...

This is Courtney, my son Daniels daughter, she is the most adorable little girl!
She loves her auntie Zoe,

This is "Olivia May", Daniels new born daughter, she is perfect!

Beautifull girls!

Laughter x

Friday, 6 January 2012

Lou Lou Man x

This is little lou lou man with his "ga", they are so alike in many ways, both sensitive,stubborn and do NOT like change, i love these men of ours.
He is such a mamas boy,
This is, his angelic self, now tonight he goes to bed without his bottle for the first time, his mama has been calling me through the evening to give me a progress report, at one point she said the only word she could descibe him was "ferrell". An hour later he was calm and i think there will be tears before he settles tonight. We love this little man so much x

Thursday, 5 January 2012

To America and back!

I have just spent the last hour, reading, peoples blogs. What a lovely hour it has been, i have been to America and back. While louie has been reading through the instructions to his new electric toothbrush he had for christmas, there i sat with my reading glasses on the end of my nose making sounds that are suppose to make him think i am listening to him! When infact mentally i am in New England! In the last hour i have been to, two different places in New England also Nashville and pa Ingalls museam! Not to mention having a look round two ladies lovely homes and their land covered in snow.
I have realised since i last went to America, i stopped enjoying travelling, because it was not America.
My sister and my daughter Zoe are talking vision boards at the moment, i listen but have not fully grasped it yet ( give me time,i will), so i am now thinking Vision Board, ok top of the list "i want to see America". Now i think i must rewrite that again as i do not think the word "want" is what you say, ok, "i am going to go back to America".
This afternoon i realised how i love the place, i guess i am abit of a prarie girl but i do want to see New England, i always have.
Yes New England its going to be for me, i am going to go back to America! x

A cup of tea with...

Its windy outside, i managed to take my large donation to the charitiy shop and walk our dog down the lane, then home to bake scones!

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Much Thought...

I loved this saying, i read this on my fellow blogger "Taryterre" blog the other day. I loved it and have given it much thought.
I got to thinking of areas in my life that i have not been entirely happy with, mainly, friendships.
Friendships of any kind are a two way road, do you agree?
How many people i call from time to time, people, that if i did not call would not call me, yet when i call them they are full of their own business and others peoples, before you know it you have been on the phone 20 minutes and barely said three or four words!! Is this called a one way street?
I really do not like being rude to people and anxiety sufferers find it difficult to seperate being rude or setting healthy bounderies by voice, so most of the time, they, give others the moment.
What happens with this, is, people steal your time, time being LIFE, sadly you give them that moment, you hang up and question why you bothered and tell yourself how you just knew that would happen, as it always does, YES because i just allowed that to happen!
I spent most of my childhood trying to make my piers happy, these were times when i should have been taught how to grow,freely, in a childs development. I was never allowed to be a child and be in  the charge of a responsible adult. Childhood stolen? Most definitely!
What this does is train you to let others take the moment with your consent. Peoples ignorance has never ceased to amaze me.
I am not bitter or angry my story is not unique, if anything i think its sterotype of children who carry adults emotionally as a child.
No more, i will always want be a person who does not want to hurt others, but today i will not settle for less than a two way road. I will not allow anyone to take my moment as i would not take theirs, it stops.x

Monday, 2 January 2012

Crocks and Pots...

The washing was dried on the line, the sun was bright but the wind was cold.
I spent this morning having a good sort out of kitchen pots and pans that i did not use, some of my crocks i have kept for a couple  of years and not used them, some of them belonged to my nan, it was when i was washing them i realised they made me feel sad, i  then realised they must go and someone else can enjoy them with no emotion attached to them.
So i managed to fill two boxes!! If i did not use them regulary, if they had unwanted emotion attached, in the boxes they went.

WOW! This is long overdue,
Louie ripped out an old cupbpoard, this is our area in the kitchen where we sit round the woodburner.
Work for louie is quite at the moment so we are going to replaster and paint this room. Swedish White i think. x

Sunday, 1 January 2012

A Dream...

I love this picture, i think i took it back in july 2011, its Washpit Lane across the road from where we live. I almost expect an Amish buggy to come gently trotting around the corner!
I spoke to my sister last night and we chatted about goals and dreams for the future, the Amish way of life is never really far from my mind, i realise i think about it alot of the time. I often think about what it would be like to live with them for a week, i read a book once where a lady did just that, she helped out on their farm and in return they gave her bed and board. Somedays i cannot leave the safety of our village, never mind a trip to America and stay with strangers where nothing is familiar!!
A dream maybe, but one i will keep.
Tomorrow i am going to have a clear out, i have been looking at things i have not used all year in the kitchen, so i will box them up and take them back to the charitiy shop where i very likely bought them in the first place, i want to declutter abit.
I want to be consistant in looking after myself this year, keeping my hair nice, looking after my skin and nails, wearing clothes that match and not thinking any old thing will do.
I intend to keep changes very real and small at the moment as i want to achieve them in time.
I know this will all take time, as i enter into this year i know i enter into therapy but i am really going to go at a pace i can manage.
Tomorrow up bright and early to make my start. x