Friday, 13 January 2012

Not being in Control...

I realise i am only writing half of my story on my blog, which i guess can become confusing for those who are kind enough to pass by and read mine.
Last october i had my first routine mammogram, i was recalled for a more detailed scan (which is not unusual), a tiny little lump on the edge of my breast was found and a biobsy taken. This proved to be a small cancer, as this was found in such an early stage, i was able to have this removed in day surgery, in november.
Already suffering with acute anxiety this was a double blow. After surgery, my oncologist suggested i have radiotherapy to sterilise the breast, which i am grateful for. My oncologist also has another field, he is studying anxiety in children! Can you believe that! Which is when my anxiety started, we talk as much about how the anxiety pattern forms as we do about my radiotherapy for my breast!!
I started radiotherapy on tuesday, and will go everyday for 15 days, this does not include weekends, i cant tell you how difficult i have found this, why?
Radiotherapy is not painful,nothing touches you,the room is light and comfortable and nurses are brillant, so why do i feel so terrified?
I realised yesterday, its because i am no way in control, my preperation and treatment is no longer than 10 minutes altogether, but it feels like a white knuckle ride to me, UNTIL TODAY, today when i started to get anxious and dry mouthed, i very gently challanged the thoughts, told myself i was safe, because i am.
Ok i am never going to enjoy this treatment, but i am grateful to be there, so todays treatment was much more tolerable and the minutes did not seem to drag.
Learning to trust others and yourself can be quite a toughie, especially if you have been hurt as a child and issues never get resolved at the time, children stuff emotions and can carry this all their lives, which hinder them on an emotional level, this can happen to the brightest of children.
This treatment is giving me no choice that for 15 days i have to stop and listen to my fears, as i have nowhere to run and learn to trust myself and believe i am safe, to believe through the eyes of an adult woman and not the cries of her inner child.
This blog sounds very deep, but on a lighter note i do not want this time in my life be for nothing, i want to take strength from it and enjoy life like most people, and i will, i am truly grateful for this time. x

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