Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Life is a mixed bag of Emotions at the Moment...

I have not written about my cognitive counselling, which i started recently. I have noticed on the times i have written about this,was, when my page views were mostly viewed.
Ok this could have been a coincidence,but this is my update.
The actual session is for 60 minutes, through this time i feel calm and i interact well with D.H, he also gives me a good steady input and explains how and why things keep me frozen in anxiety.
I leave thanking him and we make our next appointment, i arrive home feeling a load lifted off my mind and it all seems quite cut and dried. This then gives me the next couple of days restbite, then i start to go over our discussion and this will awaken a memory or incident that has given me great anxiety, but this time i can see it crystal clear and ofcourse i am now seeing this through the eyes of an adult woman! This can make me feel sad,upset or the fact that i am remembering something i struggle to recall relieves me from doubting myself.
Its a slow process and i can see how its not for everyone as it takes a while to move forward, while i am having counselling, i have also started radiotherapy treatment for 15 daily week days. This all sounds very dramatic and i wont deny the last couple of months have been testing, but sometimes it takes something that floors you to break the mould.Now as i get back up off the floor slowly, and i am ,with the love and support of my family, doctors and counselor, it is only now i am able to mend as i wish to grow, not how others percieve me and need me as their emotional sponge. This is not love, its selfishness at the highest level.
I am truly learning, i am still going at that nice steady pace that only i can cope with,it does not matter how small my footsteps are, as long as i walk forward.
In all this, i am told after radiotherapy i will make a complete recovery, but things will take time, i feel so lucky. I am truly thankfull. x
This is "Cromey" our Eva's cuddly toy, she has had him a couple of years now, we bought him from a charitiy shop.
Eva found a hole in his seam and told her her mama "he will have to go to nanies, she will mend him", i was given strict instructions not to wash him, as she likes his smell! Now i know smell is one of a childs strongest senses, but he did pong, but i resisted the urge to wash him in my newly homemade laundry powder, even though there was some kinda dried gunge on one of his legs.
Talking laundry powder, i have made my homemade powder and used it today for the first time, i chose a white clothes wash, looking for the dirtiest clothes i could find. I put 3 tablespoons of powder in the machine and added 1 tablespoon of vanish whitener. At one point i got on all fours and was watching the washing in the machine go round! An hour later cycle finished, time to see how good it was... Brillant!!!
This is it! 3 Tablespoons to a dirty load with a tablespoon of vanish oxi action. x