Monday, 24 September 2012

I know i do not normally write my blog twice in one day, but, i am kind of using my blog as abit of a journal at the moment.
This morning once breakfast dishes were cleared away i set about making louie a pear cake.
I needed to rearrange my bedroom in places to give me a touch more space, we needed a shelfing unit for our ensuite,so, i got showered and made a trip to the second hand shop.
I found this lovely wooden unit, it needed a good wash but was perfect to hold our towels and toiletries.
On my way home i called by the supermarket to get some food shopping, i felt alittle nervous but just told myself to concentrate on what i needed and head for home.
The pear cake was a success, dinner was peri peri chicken with creamed potatoes and green beans.
I am thankful that i acheived what i wanted to do, tomorrow is our Zoe's birthday, she will be 28!!!!!!!
My mum and my sister are on holiday in Italy, i am missing them.
I am ready for my comfy bed, good night x

and so i write...

It's 9.00 am this morning, i sit here with my cup of coffee, i have seen louie off to work, put my Beethoven piano music on( a present from my thoughtful sister).
Over the year's i have become a very private person, sometimes this has been a hinderance to me, other times it is a true blessing.
Over the last ten years i have suffered from anxiety, i have wrote about this from time to time, i have tried many antidepressants. Sometimes they have helped but i have often wondered given the side effects they give you if its replacing one set of emotions for another.
Last year after being diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer my doctor put me on Mirtazapine 30 mg and olanzapine 5mg, 1 of each to be taken nightly.
I recently had an appointment with a consultant who deals with just medication, he was a funny old soul, he looked more like a farmer than a doctor, he was very outspoken using the minimum of words.  He told me i was not suffering from depression and years of using antidepressants was causing my nervousness.
I have given much thought about this, spoke with louie and my doctor and we have all agreed that coming off medication slowly, will, give me a true reading of myself.
I have decided with my doctor to do this slowly, i am going to also do this with the help of a diazepam when needed. I know these can become addicted for some people but my doctor has given me a capped dose daily if i should need them.
I also know i may have testing days, some days may have to be hour by hour and i am also feeling i am taking abit of a risk going public about this.
As i write now i have nearly 48 hours without a mirtazapine in my body.
I will pray that the good lord gives me strength on this journey and i would be gratefull for peoples prayers.
Please if anyone reading my blog has been or going on a similiar journey i would appreciate any words of wisdom. Thank you so much to those that read my blog. x